I think i peed on brittanys purse
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
