Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Houston, we have a blender
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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