i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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