I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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