I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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