this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
