I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
