sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
