You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
