Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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