Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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