2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
