whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
