onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
