think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
