my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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