i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
