So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
