woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
