community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
