good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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