my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
