Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
