She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
