Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
