I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
