Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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