Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize