ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
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