The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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