I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
