why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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