Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Randomize
