This is not my ceiling
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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