Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize