there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
