Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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