when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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