my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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