Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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