who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
