Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
