I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
