Sober January is a disaster.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
