So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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