I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
