I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
