batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You are the jesus of drinking
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize