i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
