I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
