so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
