she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
