i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
