That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
