I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
