Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
