I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
porn star boner night. come get it.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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