I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
