y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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