Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
