Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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