dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
