Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Randomize
