Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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