i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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