I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
