all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
