What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
