Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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