I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
