Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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