Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
